The circus - sort of

Two days ago I went with a friend to see a performance at one of this city's big professional theaters.  Neither of us really knew what to expect, which is how I like it - coming to an event without a preconceived notion of what I'll see and how I'll feel about it.

It turned out to be an absolutely delightful circus-y show, sort of like Cirque du Soleil in that it had a minimal through line and performers from all over the world, but without CdS's elaborate costumes and make up.  The troupe is called The 7 Fingers, comprised of incredibly talented performers/dancers/acrobats.  There was a segment of almost magical hoop dancing, and some very clever, comical juggling, and aerial silks, and a trapeze act, some singing, some direct audience address.  All done with grace, and mindboggling flexibility and strength, and a whole lot of personality.  Very enjoyable.

I've discovered about myself (will I ever know everything about me?) that I'm a terrific follower and companion.  If someone says "Hey, let's do/go/try---", as the friend did who suggested this performance, I'll almost always say yes if my schedule allows.  But I notice that I don't instigate many of these adventures.  I am not condemning myself for that, only noticing, and being grateful that I have friends who do come up with these wonderful ideas of what to do.  For example, in a few days I will embark on a cruise to Hawaii, something I would never have thought of myself, but which was suggested by a good friend.  He's someone I always have a great time with, and I'm excited at the prospect. So  I guess I'd better pack.  'Bye for now.

More Somethings New

Yesterday provided the opportunity for several delightful SNs.

A friend and I walked through a park I've been in many times before, but yesterday we took a path I'd not been on, one which took us away from the lake coast and into the forest.  So delicious, fragrant and quiet.  Afterward we went to a Vietnamese café for lunch, and I tried an iced matcha green tea latter for the first time.  It was good enough that I was happy to drink it, but not so good that I'll be searching out others of its kind.

In the evening I joined two friends in one of their backyards to sit around a fire canister and talk over snacks.  One of the snacks was dehydrated plums, which are like plum jerky: a bit sweet, a bit tart, a lot tough and chewy.  A few bites of those was plenty, but I'm glad I gave them a try.

The most important recent SN, however, happened night before last.  As I was getting into bed, I suddenly began to feel anxious and panicky.  (I don't like to use the word 'attack' for such feelings because it sounds too aggressive and unmanageable.)  There was no true basis for these feelings, so they attached themselves to whatever was on my mind.  If the feelings had had a voice, they would have sounded like "Oh no!  Oh no!  Everything is bad, ruined.  I don't know what to do.  I'm a bad person.   All is lost.  I'm so scared."  Something like that.

But just as quickly as those feelings grabbed hold of me, I deliberately found another voice to talk them down.  "You're all right," I said aloud.  (I often refer to myself in the third person when I am under the sway of conflicting feelings or voices.)  "There is nothing actually wrong.  These are just feelings.  Look at your life.  Do you see that everything is all right?  If something goes wrong, you will handle it.  You have help.  You're not alone.  You're safe."

In the past when I have felt especially anxious, I have usually either hidden my head under the covers or asked Sweet Hubby to calm me once he comes to bed or just trembled and cried until the feelings went away in their own devilish time.  This was the first time I can remember becoming my own advisor and caretaker so quickly and with such assurance.  I guess I was metaphorically (symbolically? not quite sure of the right word) taking care of that 7-year-old girl I turn into in times of fear or stress or anger.  It really helped.  Because when I look at my life, there usually really isn't anything wrong, at least nothing concrete.  When I have actual problems or difficulties, I spend my energy thinking of how to solve them.  This anxiety is something else, something deep-seated, irrational, all the more uncomfortable for its inchoate nature.  I hope I will remember this recent night, and remember that I can be my own best ally and counselor. 

A few Somethings New

I recently visited Star, ID to spend time with a friend who is battling leukemia.  I've been to Boise several times, but hadn't seen any of the rest of Idaho.  It's a beautiful state, but I saw more than one F.J.B. sticker on cars or trucks, so was reminded that these are not necessarily like-minded people.  Still, it was so good to be with my friend for what might or might not be the last time.

Today I went to the city's largest art museum and, although I've been there quite a few times, saw exhibits I have missed in the past.  I was with a friend who makes a part time home in Seattle, and she and her husband do a lot of exploring of the city, the kind I did when I first moved here but about which I have become a bit more blasé.  So nice to see the museum through fresh eyes.

She also recommended a Bolivian restaurant for lunch, which was quite good and, since we sat on the second story deck, afforded a lovely view and nice breeze.

I have recommitted to finding more ways to explore new places and new experiences.  Inertia and habit have a gravity all their own, and it takes something, a certain energy and determination, to overcome that gravity and get out there and shake up my life.  If you have any ideas for me, don't hesitate to share them.